Anyone else counseling a loved one through the recent announcement about Star Wars? For the love of little Ewoks. Y’all. It’s gonna be okay. I walked into the room last week, and my husband, an
obsessed freak show avid fan of Star Wars from way back, announced in shocked tones, “You ARE NOT gonna believe this!” Did the stock market collapse? Global thermonuclear apocalypse? Giant alligators took over the local Publix?
He revealed to me the horrendous, unbelievable, bewildering news. I think he expected me to throw down my dish towel, stomp on it, rend my garments and vow with shaking fists to the heavens never to say “Punch it, Chewy!” in the car again. Bless his heart. Truthfully, I had the vague idea that this exact thing already happened a few years ago. You know how you do? Like, when someone famous dies, and you thought they were already dead?
Friends, the nerd angst around here is palpable. Still hoping for a bigger reaction, Gill sidled up next to me at the sink the other day and whispered in an expectant, incredulous voice, “The guy hired to write the screenplays wrote Little Miss Sunshine and Toy Story 3.” “Mmm,” I responded, walking slowly away. “Oh, come on!” he cried, “Little Miss Sunshine and Toy Story 3? Come on!”
Nerds, let’s all try to breathe for a moment. In many ways, this could be a good thing. For instance, and I know I’m gonna feel the outrage pulsing in angry waves through the Force for this one, but just listen. I think the movies, although definitely cinematic landmarks that have a well-deserved place in history, are in and of themselves only about 50% as good as you think they are. The rest of the 50% of their greatness comes from the fans, bless their little nerd hearts. The movies are great because the fans say they’re great. Ergo, they’re great because they’re great. It’s a classic infinite Paris Hilton famous-because-you’re-famous loop. So let’s try to adopt a little perspective. It’s not like anyone will have a chance to ruin perfection or anything. After all, this is the franchise that brought you “Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo,” Jar Jar Binks and intergalactic incest.
Shut up, nerds! I know! It also brought us the light saber, Han Solo and “I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.” I’m just saying Disney could find areas for improvement. After all, they did do Toy Story 3. (Hee!)
Besides, don’t you think the films have been locked inside Lucas’s dungeon of horrors and tortured with 3-D hot pokers long enough? Lucas is old, friends. He’s weary. He’s sick of looking at Luke Skywalker’s stupid, whiny face. He wants to kick back, relax and write a screenplay about a precocious, determined little girl and her dysfunctional family who travel across the country in their VW bus to enter her in a beauty pageant thereby making all her dreams come true. Hilarity ensues, but they all learn a little about love, life and what makes a family along the way.
Wait. It’s already been done, Lucas. I know, I know. Why change now?
P.S. Back off, nerds!