Firstly, and totally off the subject-ly, let me say that there is too much snoring in my life. Honestly, between my husband and my baby daughter, I could lose my mind with the phlegm rattling and piggy noises. Also, hiccups. Good lord. If you come to my house and happen to get the hiccups, please don’t let the door hit you. Seriously. I fear Evie will someday figure out how to merge hiccups with the snoring, finally sending her mama screaming into the streets.
Also, the cats. Or, more accurately, the cat. You know which one. Cat for sale. Best offer. Will ship.
Anyway, on with the post. Seques are for losers.
Evie wants you to know that she can so talk. She just doesn’t speak your language, or, more to the point, youdon’t speak hers. Eventually she will succumb to the all of this **finger quotes** milestones **end finger quotes** propaganda and speak this **more finger quotes** English **end more finger quotes** that everyone seems so keen on. Especially since you don’t seem too eager to learn Evie-speak.
Or are you?
Gill and I are fluent in Evie-speak and would be happy to offer you an in-depth seminar that teaches all the intricacies of this fairly new language for three easy payments of $19.95. This includes a full-color booklet, lunch and a button that reads, “Eve Langston speaks my language!”
And we would never use your payments for a kick-ass vacation to Vegas. Never. That money would go straight to Evie’s college fund.
No? ‘kay. Well, here’s a brief tutorial anyway at no charge so that you can learn how to communicate with Evie. After all, if we define “language” as an organized way to relay ideas, feelings and information to others, Eve is constantly speaking. It’s not her fault (or her problem, she says) if you don’t understand.
Keep in mind that Evie-speak is not always vocal. It’s an advanced and complicated language that includes not only verbal cues, but also gestures, facial expressions and, yes, bodily fluids.
To start us off, let’s address Eve’s most basic needs (or, as she refers to them, hobbies): eating, sleeping and pooping. Because Evie relies on others to fulfill her needs (hobbies!), these are arranged in order of escalation. In other words, by how long it takes someone to hop to it, damnit!
Evie-speak: Sucking or gnawing on one hand.
Translation: I’m feeling a might peckish, Mother.
Evie-speak: Loudly sucking or gnawing on both hands, accompanied by copious drool.
Translation: I’m getting a bit anxious about not getting fed yet.
Evie-speak: Demanding squawks, coupled with panting and at least one lunge for the chest region.
Translation: Woman! Unhook that bra and FILL! MAH! BELLY!
Evie-speak: A long, luxurious yawn ending in an adorable turtle face that makes everyone else in the room yawn as well.
Translation: Gee, I could use a nap.
Evie-speak: A loud sigh in which the exhalation of breath is split between the nose and mouth, resulting in a old-mannish guttural sound.
Translation: So tired. Won’t someone bounce me to sleep?
Evie-speak: Long, lusty cries accompianed by flailing limbs and short bursts of air through the mouth (slang: “fussiness”).
Translation: Not since you brought me forth from your womb have you been as tired as I am right now! Do you not see this? I want singing and rocking to happen, and I want it now!
Evie-speak: A rush of blood to the face, furrowed brow, downturned lips and soft grunting.
Translation: Get the wipes.
Now, let’s focus on the conversational parts of the language. These are the more difficult conveyances because even just a different hand gesture or inflection can change the meaning. Although less urgent and demanding in nature, they are harder to learn because of their subtle nuance.
In fact, to be honest, I’m just guessing on the meanings of most of them. Sorry. Two easy payments of $19.95.
To make things easier (dumb it down, Evie says) we’ll offer some context. The following Evie-speak is observed in the morning, while the parents watch MSNBC, get ready for work and get Evie ready for her day.
Accompaniment: Pushing both arms down repeatedly and alternately bringing legs up. Spit bubbles.
Translation: La-la-la…let’s stayhome today-ay-ay. No work, no daycare I say-ay-ay. Let’s stay home and play-ay-ay!
Subtle nuance: Pushing both arms down repeatedly and alternately bringing legs up. No spit bubbles.
Translation: Lee-da-dum-da-dants, I have pooped my pants! Pretty soon they both will see, when they finally chay-ange me!
Evie-speak: Aah. (short)
Accompaniment: Left arm shooting straight out to the side. Furrowed brow.
Translation: Do you think Joe Scarborough has a fat head? I do, too. Also, beady little eyes. Why do I like him so much, then? You’re right, it’s that “everyman” quality he has.
Evie-speak: Aaaaah! (long)
Subtle nuance: Right arm shooting straight out to the side. Furrowed brow.
Translation: I dropped my paci!
Finally, let’s cover emotional addresses. You really only need to know one.
Evie-speak: Huge, gummy grin that lights up a 25-foot radius all around her.
Accompaniment: A joy so big that it bubbles over and shakes her from the top of her head to the tips of her toes.
Translation: I love you, Mommy and Daddy!
And that, folks, is what it’s all about.